LOLLY GIRLS.

DENISE HOLLARS

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

3:15 PM

Alright, I've been going thru' this a million times over in my head and suddenly. I really don't know what to do anymore. I keep running conversations thru' my head, one person is Me and of course the other person is Ivan. I reply on Ivan's part like I want him to say things. Up til this point, I hope you gilrs understand me. I tell myself things I wanna hear. I know it's damn wrong but I can't help it.

Okae here goes, my long rant. It's been four days since Ivan spoken a word to me and I really don't know what's going on between us anymore and I'm tired of asking and asking. Because when I tell him my unhappiness he just goes and brushes it off like I'm arrowing him and tells me that he has a big heart for accepting all my negative feelings towards him. I know it's wrong for him to say that but I've become weak when it comes to me, he makes it feel like whatever he says is right and I am complaining instead of my intention to share how I feel. It makes me shuts up when it comes to my feelings. Always telling myself that it's okay and it's alright but I know deep down inside that it's not right, it's not right at all. But I don't know why instead of ending it, I go bury myself deeper in it, blaming it on myself and it's really tiring me out like crazy. I feel so sad and depressed most times and I can't share it with my boyfriend who claimed in the past that he would be there for me whenever I need him. Right now, he is never there. In the past I just trudged on, with a heavy heart, hoping that he'll pay some attention to me. Set a side some time to play boyfriend. He has long stopped sending me home and when he does, he complains about the distance. I go to his home every week. I don't complain. When I'm there, I'm full of love but when I leave, I feel empty. What's the reason? Other than that, we don't go out or have any dates that he plans. He's stopped calling and rarely smses. I'm the one always msging him before I sleep at night but I've stopped those too cuz I don't feel I should anymore.

He doesn't care about how I feel. Mebbe he does just that I don't feel it anymore. It has become one whole numb cycle. Now it's longer than when we broken up since we saw each other and you know, when I type all this out, it sounds like it should have ended already. Yet I'm still with him, uncertain of everything. It'll take just one 'I love you' to crumble me again. And I don't wanna hear just words from him anymore. Actions does speak louder than words. The only way I know how to find comfort is engaging myself with many other guys, to feel wanted and needed makes me happy. To feel desirable and special. But somehow, I'm not contented with what I'm getting from the other guys. I just cannot accept that Ivan ignores me. I just can't. No guy has treated me this way before, escpecially when they are boyfriend title. And it really annoys me that he goes out with Pearly. This has been bothering me since we started and I've never been sure of their 'friendship'. But whatever, I just take his words for it that they are just friends. I asked him very early in the relationship, 'You liked Pearly right?' and his answer was most un-satisfying.

'Used to it already.'

What is that supposed to me and what girl in right mind would just brush it off? I know I haven't been able to. The way she's always around. The way she behaves that makes what she does seem alright but you just know deep down inside, it's so God damn wrong she should perish in hell. Okay, for this I'm exaggerating. But I don't really care because nothing beats the wrath of women. I have so much to go on but this is wearing me so thin. I feel I'm going to break and I really don't know what to do anymore. I wish someone would just sweep me off my feet and tell me everythings going to be alright. Then I take a long nap and wake up, everything is gone. Ivan erased from my memory. I think I still love him if I can't stop thinking about what he's doing and all that. Other times I don't think I love him, cuz I hate him so much for treating me this way. And then I think I love him again becuase without love I can't hate him. And it's really confusing.

Then there are 2 guys now.
The new guy and the ex-boyfriend.
The new guy is over 20 and is really experienced so he knows what I wanna hear and what I need. It's exciting and it's scary at the same time.
The ex-boyfriend is really sweet since he hasn't dated another girl since we broke up and he says he loves me enough to give me the world.

Then there's Ivan, who doesn't say anything and just keeps quiet and it's really an emotional turmoil for me. Every night I go to bed, with a heavy heart. And I just don't know what to do anymore. I've said this so many times right? Fuck. Thats how I feel, I feel like Fuck.
I think this time shopping can help me. Shopping, I need to shop. I need money. So badly.

Still, with my wounded heart and all, I'm sending love.
xoxoxo

Take care my precious.