LOLLY GIRLS.

Its my turn to rant. :\

Sunday, November 26, 2006

12:03 PM

Well, I don't know if Sebas can overcome passwords but I really cannot keep all of this to myself already. I will explode sooner of later. That's why I requested for this blog to be kept private. So that we can blog about what we really feel instead of restricting ourselves cause it's true that some people dislike their girlfriends / ex to blog about them.

November 2006 is like the most UNLUCKY month I've ever experienced in my whole life. I think it's even worse than April 2002 when i broke my leg in school. I'd rather break legs and arms than lose people's trust in me. Fuck. I really feel so screwed. I told Maddy that Nana is targetting this girl called dollies in friendster, and she went to tell Cassy!! (Nana's ex) Okay, firstly she promised not to tell Cassy cause it will jolly well get me into shitloads of trouble with Nana and I trusted her for that. After that, she told me that Cassy and her were 'laughing about it' <- about Nana being unable to jio dollies , and I was thinking why did she tell !! Still, I thought it was okay cause I did not think that Cassy would go and approach Nana and ask him about it. But she did just that. :( And now Nana probably hates me like fuck cause I'm like a fucking spy among them? Like a freaking backstabber and all.

Sebas called me last night and said that he's disgusted with me. Well, I am disgusted with myself too. Why do problems keep arising esp when I'm close to those 2 girls? I'm not blaming them for anything but maybe it's just me cause i've really misplaced my trust in them. Sigh. And he said that he wouldn't give a damn about me anymore. He said that his opinion of me has changed totally and so did his friends'. He says that I've changed for the worse, I keep making making the same old mistakes over and over again and never repent. Maybe it's cause I like to shoot my mouth off, that's why I kept on saying the wrong things / things that I shouldn't be telling. I told him that I would change for the better and make him feel the change in me. He said 'see how la'.

I didn't cry or anything last night after the phone conversation with him.. I guess I'm already numb to all of these. Then again, it doesn't mean that I am not sad.. I'm going to change my attitude. You girls gotta help me too. Maybe I can only bitch to people whom I really trust. Instead of people i barely known for a month? Sigh. What a wrong move. Misplacing my trust and getting betrayed by them. I can only say that it's my retribution. I must make sure that I won't be so big mouthed anymore in future and YA, sometimes some things you gotta keep it to yourself.

I am not hoping for Sebas to come back to me after feeling that I've changed or what. I am going to change for the sake of myself because I know that this sort of rubbishy fucked up attitude would get me nowhere in future. Arghh. I realised that all these fucked up shit only happened after we broke up. and new people entering my life.

Is there really nothing else I can do to gain his trust back for me? I used to be such a perfect girl in his eyes.. and now I only make him disgusted with me. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck. I hate myself too.

yink